I Want To Have A Drink, Dinner, And Hang Out With Linda Holmes

Linda Holmes writes NPR’s entertainment and pop-culture blog, Monkey See.  After reading her post about the Oxford or Serial Comma as it is also known,  I wanted to call her for lunch.  I remember when I learned in a journalism class that I shouldn’t use the Serial Comma or the Oxford comma.   You know the comma I’m talking about.  The one before a coordinating conjunction. I was in a class where I was learning AP style.  I am certain this was when I realized that I could not be a news reporter.  The kind of person who could write a concise “who, what, when, where, why, and how” article.  I wanted to write alliterative stories with ample appealing adjectives.  The kind of stories which painted pictures for my readers.  Once I decided I was not going to report news stories, I welcomed back that petite punctuation mark.  It is great to know that the folks at the University of Oxford are keeping our comma.  Yes, “our” comma.  It must be “our” comma because since reading Linda’s post, “Going, Going, And Gone?:  No, The Oxford Comma Is Safe…For Now”  I have seen countless (I could probably count them I just don’t want to) articles about the survival of this stout little character.
There is even a Facebook group dedicated to preserving him and a song by Vampire Weekend (I’ve never heard of them either)  aptly named, “Oxford Comma.”   I feel like this little guy needs to be more than just an it.  I now think of this petite purveyor of order as a small friend…almost like a pet rock.  Of course, my little friend actually does more than just sit there like a rock.  He can make a list a little clearer or as Linda explained the Serial Comma can actually create life (you will actually have to read her post to understand this one).
I’ve read the arguments for the survival of Blip (I always name my pets…yes, even the rock) and the arguments for why we don’t need him.  It seems to be a pretty even debate.  Irregardless (I’m just kidding, Linda) I will continue to honor Blip by including him in my notes, letters, and my blog.  Even if he doesn’t make things clearer, Linda seems like she would be a great friend.  She would tolerate my fragments, my occasional placement of the preposition at the end of my run on sentence, my…, and any infinitives that I might happen to split.  And, we would share our fondness for Blip!  Yes, I hope to make Linda’s acquaintance someday because I do like a writer who starts a post with a confession.

Quid Pro Quo

Men who know nothing of menopause, do NOT touch the thermostat.  The season outside is of no concern to me when I am indoors. If I am hot. I want cold air conditioning. If am cold I want the heat and quite possibly a fire. If I finish eating chips and then look at you with my maniacal eyes lusting for something sweet. Don’t question me. Just accept that you are in Hormonehell and it is best to make me as comfortable as possible. I will not discuss vaginal dryness with you so do not discuss your swollen prostate with me. When we met you did not have a prostate. Only old men have them. I, on the other hand, have always had hormones. They were wonderful raging hormones which fueled your fantasies. Now, they have turned on you. So, know your place. When I’m hot you get your long johns ready. When I am cold you can sit around in your swimsuit. Please at least wear something. Remember the heat is from the thermostat because I am cold and not from a wild chemical reaction. So don’t make me have to pretend. We both know I want to be left to my Lifetime Movie & you to your ESPN.

The trade off is I will walk close to you and help you hide the dribble on your khakis after your leave the public restroom. And, I will continue to be your spotter to make sure you don’t have any nose hairs protruding which could distract from your clean cut looks.

You see in Hormonehell we both get something. You get to be more than a man; you get to part of my menopause. I get to laugh, cry, scream & control the thermostat. You let me do it. If you know what’s good for you.


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